When Parents Lose A Child

Coping with Loss

The parent-child relationship is physically, socially, and psychologically unique among all other human relationships. When parents lose a child to a chronic illness, through the suddenness of a death immediately after birth, or later through an unexpected accident or crime, the effects on the parents are devastating.

Whenever a child passes away, it seems contrary to our understanding of the natural order of things. Many parents initially feel intense anger at the loss of a child, especially if the death occurred at an early age when it seems doubly unfair and cruel.

Sometimes parental anger is directed inward by the parents as they blame themselves. Other times parents project their anger onto each other as they struggle individually to make sense of their loss. During this early phase it's essential that parents keep channels of communication open between one another and speak openly about their feelings. Each should accept the other's feelings, and acknowledge them as legitimate, even if they aren't completely understood.

Differences in grieving between men and women are to be expected. Men in general are taught to be the ones who can be leaned on, to be "the rock" for others to look to for support. This frequently causes fathers to submerge their own pain as others look to them for strength. Women, on the other hand, express emotions openly. Understanding the differences in how men and women grieve can help minimize the perception that one parent has suffered a greater loss than the other.

Guilt following the death of a child is often the most prominent emotion felt by grieving parents,especially if the child's death was due to a genetic or biological cause. In many cases parents feel that they "gave" an illness to their child. This can severely weaken a relationship, but it's important to remember that most marriages survive the tragedy of the death of a child. Many believe that marriages usually end after a child's death, but recent studies suggest that, although parents may initially have more negative feelings about one another, the marriage will gradually return to the same level of satisfaction and fulfillment that the parents had prior to the child's death.

Resolving Grief In A Healthy Way
In "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" (Bantam Books), Therese A. Rando provides three sets of processes which all who have suffered the loss of a loved one must go through to resolve their grief in a healthy way.

• Acknowledge and understand the loss
Experience the pain and react to the separation
Move adaptively into the new life without forgetting the old

Acknowledge and Understand the Loss
The loss of the child must be recognized in order for grief to begin. The reality of death must be acknowledged.

Experience the Pain and React to the Separation
Many try to avoid paying the "bill of pain" for the loss of a loved one. They try to avoid it, hide from it, deny it, or postpone it. But like any other bill, if payment is delayed, the cost is much greater--only the interest is emotional, not financial. Going through the pain, not around it or under it, is the only path that will put grieving parents on the road to healing.

This doesn't mean that parents should suffer never-ending pain over the loss of a child. Grieving is a long process and breaks are a necessary requirement. Unrelenting grieving can sap anyone of the ability to cope. Doing something that provides a sense of control as the pain is felt offers an outlet for restless energy and helps avoid being exhausted by the grieving process. Problems arise only when those grieving pay more attention to taking breaks than enduring the pain of their grief before its been properly dealt with.

Move Into A New Life Without Forgetting the Old
This process focuses on moving into a "new" life without the departed child. This doesn't mean forgetting the "old" life with the deceased child; rather, it means:

• Developing a healthy, new relationship with the child who has passed away. It isn't necessary to forget about the deceased child to cope with the grief. Once the death of the child is acknowledged, reflecting on the child's life, or reviewing shared events from it, helps grieving parents adjust emotionally in their life without the child.
• Keeping the departed child "alive" appropriately. This could include such things as keeping routines that parents shared with the child, or displaying mementos or other items that recall the parent's relationship with the child in a healthy way.
• Reinvesting emotional energy in new relationships, activities, or roles that offer some of the emotional satisfaction that was lost with the child's passing.

Frequently those who lose a child tend to become severely withdrawn from others, enduring their pain in solitude. Self-help groups comprised of others who have suffered a similar loss are priceless for these challenges.

While there is no one correct way to grieve the loss of a child, understanding the patterns of grief and its impact can help smooth the path to leading a happy and healthy new life for parents who have suffered the loss.