Mother's Day: Celebration and Sadness

Mother's Day is celebrated in many countries, including the United States, the United Kingdom, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey, Australia, Mexico, Canada, China, Japan, and Belgium. In the United States Mother's Day was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe, who is probably more likely known for writing the words to "Battle Hymn of the Republic". Ironically, it was a woman who was never a mother herself who led the campaign for the national recognition of Mothers. A woman by the name of Anna Jarvis held a ceremony in 1907 in Grafton, West Virginia, to honor her mother, who had died years earlier. Jarvis' mother had tried to establish 'Mother's Friendship Days' as a way of dealing with the aftermath of the Civil War. After her mother's passing, Anna began a campaign to create a national holiday honoring mothers. In 1914 President Wilson declared the second Sunday in May to be Mother's Day. The day has historically been used by children and other family members to honor mothers and grandmothers for all they do in raising children. Over the years, Mother's Day has evolved into one of the most cherished and celebrated days of the year.

However, for the mother who has experienced the loss of a child, or for the child who has lost his/her mother, Mother's Day is often a day of many tears and feelings of deep heartache. Friends and family members can be left wondering how to help a grieving mother or child (the mother or "child" is now a friend, a co-worker, a cousin, a boss, etc.) face Mother's Day without their loved one.

Landmark days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has lost someone dear to their heart. The years immediately following the loss of a mother or child are often filled with days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. Mother's Day may be one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her child, or the child mourning the death of their mom often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day wondering how they will feel when they wake, and how they will make it through the day.

Unfortunately, there is no real way of avoiding Mother's Day. The stores are filled with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the news bombard us for weeks prior to the holiday. Card and flower shops experience the busiest season of the year on Mother's Day. Reminders are everywhere. This sensory overload of Mother's Day media can intensify new grief and/or cause old grief to resurface.

If you are helping someone grieve

If you are the friend or loved one of someone experiencing grief around such a holiday, the best action you can offer is to allow the grieving person to talk as much as she/he wants to about their loved one and their loss. Ask if they want to talk. Spend some time with them and lend them your listening ears. Some mothers and children love to share experiences and feelings, even when that person is no longer alive. Some people may not wish to talk; they may prefer to keep their grief a solitary event. In this case, simply your presence or quiet company may be what the person is seeking.

If you are the one grieving

There is no right or wrong way to handle Mother's Day. It is a difficult day for any mother to face without her child or for any child to face without their mother. Some people may find it helpful to go away on a mini-weekend trip, totally avoiding any church services, special meals, or family gatherings that they feel will be too hard to attend. While difficult to experience, allowing yourself to grieve is important. Do not be afraid to deviate from the norm of tradition and make this a day of new beginnings if this is what you feel is right for you. Some mothers and children find comfort in choosing to do something special in memory of their loved one such as take a walk in a quiet place, read a special poem, or even release a balloon in memory of their mother or child. Many choose to use Mother's day as a special day to plant a flower or a tree in memory of the person who has died. Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother and child have for each other (Hinton, 2004). Some prefer to spend time "with their loved ones" by visiting gravesites, bringing flowers, and dedicating time to special memories.

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide range of emotions. Grief is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so be sure to eat nutritious foods for the day, hydrate yourself with lots of fluids, and allow yourself time to rest and be replenished (Hinton, 2004). Grief work is hard work – so acknowledge that and give yourself some extra care and attention.

By planning ahead for Mother's Day, you will be better able to handle and manage the difficult emotions you are likely to experience on such a day of remembrance. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is also a good way of building a support system around you. Others can check in on you throughout the day, or provide support and comfort – or maybe just some company throughout the day. Be gentle to yourself; make allowances to do whatever makes you most comfortable on that day. Remember that while loss may never get easy, it can get easier. You will "get through it" and with that will come inner strength and a reserve of peace and joy (Hinton, 2004).

References:

Hinton, Clara. (2004). Honoring Mothers in Grief on Mother's Day. Retrieved April 28,2004, from Silent Grief: A message of hope for the grieving heart.

Hinton, Clara. (2004). How to Handle Mother's Day. Retrieved April 28, 2004, from Silent Grief: A message of hope for the grieving heart.

(2004). Who Came Up with Mother's Day and Why?. Retrieved April 28, 2004, from Howstuffworks.