Empty Nests and New Beginnings

Written by: Katie Leboeuf, M.A. — CIGNA Behavioral Health

"Janie…what are you doing?!?" I could feel my cheeks start to redden. I was caught in the act. Richard had come home from work early and had seen me wearing my youngest son Jason's warm-up jersey. When he realized I was crying, his face softened and he came and sat next to me. I think he understood; this hadn't been easy on him either. Our "baby" had just recently gone off to college on a football scholarship and ever since we had said that last "good-bye" our lives hadn't been the same. I still cooked for a family of five, yet didn't have an appetite to eat a bite. Our refrigerator was full of leftovers. Richard was different too, we had talked as if we had been looking forward to having a quiet and empty house — a sort of second honeymoon period — but instead we were like strangers at the dinner table. I had caught him several times sitting in Jason's room just looking at his "stuff." I was guilty of that too, I had to admit it made me feel a bit closer to my son, like he was on an overnight or something, and would be home in a short time instead of being six states away. Our longed for "empty nest" felt more like we had just flown over the cuckoo's nest.

Empty nest syndrome is a condition that can affect parents around the time that one or more of their children leave home. Mothers though seem to be particularly susceptible as they are more likely to have had the role of primary caregiver, often dedicating 20 or more years of their lives to filling the role of "mom." Empty nest syndrome can also occur when a child gets married, because matrimony is a clear signal that "mom and dad" are no longer needed in the same way they once were. Most commonly though, it occurs at this time of year (late summer, early fall) when vast numbers of teenagers leave home to begin college (PsychologyToday, 2004).

While you won't find the term "empty nest syndrome" in any medical or psychology textbooks, it has become a useful phrase for identifying and encapsulating the feelings of sadness and loss that many parents experience when their children no longer live with them or need day-to-day care. Empty nest syndrome is very real and for thousands of parents it is also very painful.

It is quite normal to feel some sadness at this time. It is also quite normal to have a good cry now and again — and like Janie and Richard, it is even normal to go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to him or her. Don't be ashamed of these feelings, they are natural and therefore you should allow yourself to express how the changes on the outside are affecting you on the inside.

Be good to yourself during this difficult time. Be aware of how you are feeling and of the extra care and sensitivity you may need. Many parents, especially moms, can experience emotional extremes. These can take a heavy toll on your mental, physical, and spiritual wellness. One mom described her feelings of abandonment and rejection — "I felt like I had lost my job. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself. I mean, this has —been my life!" Other parents have stated, "I was so alone, I didn't even feel like I knew my own husband (wife)." If you can relate to these feelings, remember you are not alone. But if you find yourself feeling that your useful life has ended, or if you are crying excessively, or if you're so sad that you don't enjoy the things you used to such as friends or work, then you should seek professional help — especially if these severe symptoms go on for longer than a week (PsychologyToday, 2004).

In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings — and these very definitely need treating. There is help available. You don't have to go through these types of feelings alone. Counseling can help you get some perspective. Any major life change can bring about unexpected and often unsettling feelings. The empty nest period, in particular, often coincides with many life stage changes that a parent may experience. Menopause, retirement, and coping with increasingly dependent elderly parents are just a few examples of change that may be co-occurring during the time your child leaves the home thus compounding the situation and making it more difficult to handle.

That said, do not sit in your empty nest alone — seek help! Find support and reassurance from your friends and family. Ask for guidance from people around you who have had children leave for university as well. Ask them how they got through the loneliness and foreign-ness of a kid-free zone. Make a practical plan to help yourself feel better. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Buy pre-paid phone cards and stick them in a letter to your son or daughter. Suggest making a plan to talk at a specific time once or twice a week. This keeps communicating cheap and allows you all to catch up on your day-to-day happenings. Be mindful though, that this is your child's time to become independent. Work together, and don't get upset if you play second fiddle to your kid's social life for a while. Remember the dreams you had for your children — they have them for themselves too — give them some space to realize them on their own!
2. E-mail is a great way to keep in touch — it is free and fast and it allows you to write out your feelings, thoughts, and words and revise as needed. This can keep tempers cool, arguments to a minimum, and as a bonus, it is schedule flexible. If you are keeping different hours than your child — no one's day is disrupted.
3. Make care packages for your children with anything from groceries to a set of towels for their new apartment. Keep the gifts simple and small, just something to let them know you're thinking of them; a piece of mom or dad for them to smile about.
4. Time and energy that you once directed to your child can now be spent on different areas of your life. Explore new or return to old hobbies, leisure activities, and careers.
5. Re-acquaint yourself with your bathroom! There had to be times when, no matter how much you revered and adored your child, you wished for a good soak. But then the kids came home, or someone had a date to get ready for and your opportunity vanished. Not any longer. Take a bath! Enjoy yourself and pamper your spirit.
6. Take a vacation or do something you would not have been able had the kids been home.
7. Meet people — plan dates! If you have been a single parent, take back your "me-time" and explore the possibility of new relationships. If you are married — ask your partner on a date. Many couples struggle with reviving their marriage after their children leave. Often so much energy goes into the children that the bond or intimacy of marriage may have had to take a back seat to raising your kids. Reverse this and make it a priority.
8. Make plans for holidays or for bringing the family back together. Start this, if possible, before the children move out. Avoid regretting later what you could have done now. If your children have already moved out, look to the future and be excited about the time you will have later.

While these suggestions may help — unfortunately, you may find they are not a cure-all. You will still experience "bad" days and periods of loneliness, but again this is normal. Don't be too hard on yourself for missing your child. They are likely lonesome for you as well. But be careful. Brace yourself for the times your child may call home from college miserable and wanting to come home. Resist the impulse to be pleased about this or to rush to their side. Don't suggest that he or she give up and come home. Plenty of teenagers are very homesick and lonely for a couple of weeks, but they get through this and learn how to deal with it. And that is a great accomplishment on their part. So be supportive, but don't "fix" everything for them — and certainly don't try to bring them back home. This will only serve to intensify your own "empty nest feelings" and can impede your child's progress as well.

Becoming an empty-nester is a difficult transition, but with time and work it does get easier. Similar to the feelings you had as a new parent, as a seasoned parent your moods can swing from depression to giddiness. Some people will deny these feelings, but it's best to look every emotion in the face and make peace with it. That is what Janie and Richard had to do. They decided to quit hiding their grief from each other and instead met it head-on. Janie bought a new cookbook, "Table for Two" and Richard helped her pack up Jason's old clothes which they now keep in a closet. They see Jason when he comes home on break, and have to laugh when sometimes they realize they're happy he's back at school and they can go to bed again at 10 "like normal." They have lots of good days, and fewer bad days. They realize they have lots of life yet to live; this is just a fresh beginning instead of a sad end.

Follow Richard and Janie's lead. If your children have flown the coop, don't let your wellness fly away with them too. Seek professional help if the feelings become too intense, and take extra time to be good to yourself. Most parents will adapt to their child's absence, but remember that adjustment takes time. Keep telling yourself your child is still your child, whether a few steps or a few states away. They miss you and love you as much as you love and miss them. You child has embarked on one of the most exciting journeys of his/her life — you should too. Instead of letting your sadness consume you, let empty nest syndrome be the beginning of another chapter for both you and your child.

© Copyright 2004 by CIGNA Behavioral Health

Information in this document is taken from the resources cited and developed for use by the general public. It is not intended as medical/clinical advice or treatment. Only a healthcare provider can make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment plan. For more information about your behavioral health benefits, you can call the member services or behavioral health telephone number listed on your healthcare identification card.

References:

PageWise. (2002). Empty nest syndrome: Help. Retrieved August 10, 2004 from http://ilil.essortment.com/emptynestsyndr_rvpg.

PsychologyToday (2004). Empty nest syndrome. Retrieved August 10, 2004 from http://cms.psychologytoday.com/conditions/emptynest.html